Trust vs Anxiety
As I listened to a podcast this week, I was hit by the truth I felt in this statement:
"The opposite of anxiety isn't calm or being calm, it's trust."
We all seek trust. Whether it's from people or the environment we find ourselves in, we want to feel safe and secure. If you think about trust from a child's perspective the naivety of the concept is almost terrifying as they don't have the ability to make sure something is safe before jumping in, or, do they...?
Children have a sense of safety when it comes to routines, patterns and predictability. When you have a pattern, you create predictability, which leads to, and creates, safety, which then helps someone feel calm and connected. That is one of the reasons teachers work hard to make sure each day at school is consistent. The consistency is the base for patterns and predictability to allow feelings of safety to take root.
In order to feel safe and to trust others you need to be able to do three things: trust the people you're with; trust the setting you're in; and trust your own body. For children "trust must be earned, it cannot be an assumption because of an adult's role in their life." (Dr. Barry Prizant, Uniquely Human: A Different Way of Seeing Autism) A child is expected to trust the routine at school, their teachers at school, school therapists, doctors, etc. It is our job as adults and caregivers to earn their trust and keep their trust. When we can trust, that's when we are open for learning. That's when we are able to take risks. When we find ourselves pushing children, typical or atypical learners, too hard and too fast we break their trust. Once it is broken it's really hard to get it back. When their trust has been violated over and over again, they can form negative emotional memories that become attached to a specific person who they no longer trust. This happens more frequently when we don't stop to see the signals the child has been trying to tell or show us.
After the podcast I realized that instead of asking children, when they appear to be anxious, or nervous, how can I help them, a more appropriate and sensitive question I should be asking is, What can I do to help you feel safe right now? What can I do to help you trust me?
We've talked a lot about I love you rituals lately. I found a ritual, one of the 'Cuddling and Snuggling Games' activities, that I felt fit with the topic of trust really well. It is called, "Snuggle Up.”
Preparation: A "safe place" is an alternative to a time out. A safe place is a place where children who are feeling rejected, alone, anxious or angry can go to return themselves to a more peaceful inner state. Everyone gets upset; one important life skill is to be able to calm oneself down. To help your child calm down, provide a safe place for your child. A bean bag chair is a wonderful place because it hugs you when you sit in it. To teach your child how to use the safe place, sit with the child in it, holding the child and a transition object, such as a teddy bear. While sitting in the beanbag chair, hold the child and sing the following to the tune of "Rock-a-Bye-Baby":
Snuggle up children
In your safe place.
You can go there,
To have your own space.
When you feel scared
And want to feel loved,
Just cuddle yourself
And the bear with a hug.
During the last two lines hold your child and their object tightly, giving them an extra hug. Tell your child when they are angry or upset, they can use the safe space to calm down. To practice calming down take two big deep breaths and hug the bear or other object. You may have to repeat this activity with your child several times before they do it on their own. But by practicing co-regulation with them, they will develop trust that they can do it by themselves in time as well.