Why consequences work and punishments don’t:
It is hard work to manage behaviors while simultaneously strengthening relationships with children so we can connect and solve problems together. I recommend this article not to bring focus solely on "punishments" but more so to bring to light the importance of building co-emotional self-regulation. Children cannot build skills in self-regulation if they do not first build them alongside trusted adults. In this article it talks about connection as so, "Care and willingness comes from a relationship with others - connection." Care and WILLINGNESS.
You may be thinking, “How can my child be willing to do something when they have been melting down for the last 45 minutes?” The willingness part comes along after the child knows and truly understands that no matter what scary emotions they throw at you, no matter how loud they cry, no matter how unpleasant they become, you will be there. You are their unwavering team spirit. This doesn't mean you say yes to everything when they become upset. It doesn't mean you let them scream at the top of their lungs in your face. No one wants that, and it isn't okay for a child to do that. What you can do is be present. Vocalize what you see, identify how they feel, and let them know that when they need help they can always count on you.
There have been times in the classroom when a child will completely shut down and refuse to talk, look at me or explain what happened when they are met with a challenge. In these moments, as hard they are, they are prime opportunities to build that connection and safety with them. I will bend down near their body and softly say, you do not have to talk to me, "you do not have to look at me, but I am going to talk to you because I know you can hear me. I'm sorry this is so hard. I see how hard this is for you. If you want space that's okay. But... if you do want or need my help, always know I am here." When I have done this, little by little, children have understood that no matter how big their emotion is, no matter how much they think I'll never be there for them because of what is happening, I have showed them I will be.
For children who tend to be on the louder side of behaviors, you can do the same thing. Instead of using a soft voice, you remind them that it's not okay for them to scream, yell, or shout at you. It's not okay to be unsafe. It is okay to express feelings. Sometimes emotions are loud. You can say, it's okay to be angry but its not okay to scream in my ear. Then you say, I will always be here for you. I am going to give you space because you are too loud right now, and you're body is moving too much. But when your voice is back in control, and your body is in control, I can help you. Again, each time we have these small interactions with children they grow more and more assured that their loving anchor will be there for them.