What’s in your child’s toolbox?

Whether silent or aloud, every interaction you have with your child is a form of communication.

It's not just about the words you say, the tone of your voice, the look in your eyes (or eye contact at all!), and the way you hold/move your body all convey messages to your child. The way you communicate with your child (and interactions between you and others your child watches) not only teaches them how to communicate with you, but also tells them how they should communicate with others. 

You've probably heard the phrase, "Children are like little sponges, absorbing all the information around them and actively making sense of it". This is always true, whether we are intentionally teaching our children or not. (Have you ever unintentionally said something or made a gesture that your child picked up, much to your surprise or chagrin?)

Whenever we teach new educators, I stress how children are always working hard to communicate their needs and exercise some control over their environment.

Because of this, children will always choose whatever method is most effective.

Not the method you WANT them to use…

Not the method you TELL them to use…

And sometimes not even the method that is natural for them.

It is always whatever has proven to be effective for them.

If crying, grunting, or hitting is more effective at getting what they want than clear, friendly, verbal communication, guess which one will become cemented in their brains as the go-to method? Right. 

You've probably also heard the phrase, "If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail." Children have a very limited tool set and try to apply what they have at their disposal to every problem they run into. If children have not been given the appropriate array of tools for navigating different situations, OR if their "hammer" has proven to be effective across scenarios, they are often left frustratedly "hammering" everything in their path which is also frustrating and confusing for parents. Often, instead of responding with frustration, or anger, teachers have success responding to students' inappropriate social solutions/verbalizations with confusion. This sends the message that their method of communication is not the best choice for the scenario and implies it won't be effective. ("Hmm, I'm not sure why you're grunting. I'd like to help you, but I don't know what you need. Could you please use words?")

In turn, actively rewarding the desired situational communication method increases their likelihood of using it again, and re-structures their brain to release less cortisol (lower stress) during times of frustration or conflict. Win-win! 

"Rewarding" a behavior from your child can look different than just a "good job", a high five, or a piece of candy. Active listening and an undivided connection with eyes full of joy is like gold to children. You will see the reaction in their face and possibly whole body - does your child ever nuzzle you or jump up and down when they feel connected, heard, or happy? We see it all the time in the classroom. It also fills our hearts with joy! 

This weekend, consider your child's toolset. How many tools do they have? What are they? Is there a type of situation they have better/more tools for than others? Are there any tools you'd like to see removed from their toolset, and replaced with something else? 

If you'd like more food for thought, check out the links below. 

https://raisingchildren.net.au/preschoolers/connecting-communicating

https://www.mother.ly/parenting/20-phrases-to-use-when-your-child-isnt-listening/

https://www.cdc.gov/parents/essentials/communication/index.html

https://www.unicef.org/parenting/child-care/9-tips-for-better-communication