“I Can’t!”
This week, we had a puppet show about the phrase, “I can’t.” In our classroom, and in general for young children, (…and sometimes internally as adults…), using this phrase often really means any of the following:
“I don’t want to do that.”
“I want you to do it for me.”
“I won’t do that.”
“I need help, but also don’t want to work while getting help - aka I want you to do it for me.”
“I don’t know what I am supposed to do.”
“I’m not familiar with what it looks like to try in a certain context or way.”
“I’m worried I might fail so I don’t want to try to begin with.”
“I’m emotionally drained.”
The week before we had a puppet show we referred to as, “Tell them WHAT and tell them WHY.” This was to help the children understand more about communication. When we react by screaming at someone that won’t tell them what is wrong or what we don’t like or what is even going on, etc., this is the WHAT. We have to use words to help them understand the WHY part of our action. Another example, I want to get more blocks off the shelf but another peer is in the way. If I push them out of the way, grab my blocks and don’t say a word, the other peer becomes very confused and doesn’t understand why they were pushed and ignored. But, if we say, can you please scoot over (the WHAT), because I would like to get some blocks (the WHY), our communication helps others know what to do, what we want, how we like something, and the reasoning behind it. These are critical skills for using effective communication and even young children are capable of building and scaffolding these important skills.
Another recent observation from the classroom has been how children frequently calling to adults without using our names and they demand something, in group situations. Examples: “hey, I want more breakfast!”, “I need that now”, “Can I play here!” “I want to use that!” Due to it being verbalized as a demand it comes off shrill and impersonal. We have started to discuss the importance of using a person's name when speaking aloud in the classroom so they connect that using someone’s name indicates they are showing: they value the person with whom they are speaking to, they are trying to direct attention and they are using grace and courtesy when speaking to another person.
How do you redirect and help build these life skills in children? First you need to have a realistic understanding of what a child can do at each age. See the attached article to learn more about what your child should be able to do when they are 3, 4 and 5 years old. It also has information about how to help your child cooperate when requests or directions are given to them. Cooperating with requests is also a place where children will try to push boundaries and test limits. This is where children can pick up and use what is sometimes called learned helplessness. If a child never has to fully comply with a request, going through each and every step of the process, and be accountable for completing those steps, they’ll never build the self-confidence that they can do things themselves. It’s the message that has been ingrained into them, even if it’s accidentally. For children, having the ability to do things autonomously is magical. It is also an opportunity for them to experience power and control in positive forms.
Breaking old habits…this can be done at anytime with follow through and encouragement. The next time your child says, I can’t, I don’t know how, I need help, ask them to be specific about what it is they are saying they can’t or don’t know how to do. Break down the steps into smaller, simpler steps. If they ask for help, give them verbal directions as they try, or model for them what to do and then ask them to do it right after. One of the most important pieces of follow through is staying neutral when the style of helping your child changes. You will be setting a new boundary, and with new boundaries always come new tests with kids. They want to know where the line will be drawn with you. Don’t let their emotional “tests” and reactions cause you to think they can’t handle it. Instead empower them even more by showing them their own power they have within themselves. If something was hard but they persevered and completed a request you can say, wow! That was so hard, but you did it! You didn’t think you could, but look you did it! Amazing! This will build self-confidence, persistence, a stronger work ethic and create a deeper relationship with you and your child - and those are magical traits valued in the world
Enjoy!
http://csefel.vanderbilt.edu/documents/teaching_cooperate.pdf