Giving Choices & Setting Limits

Follow-through: the special sauce.

The secret ingredient.

The most challenging yet effective way to create positive behaviors in children.

Consistently following through can be extremely difficult for us as parents for many reasons.

We could be:

exhausted from the day…

going through power struggle #354…

thinking it won’t matter if we allow it just this once…

not understanding how to help our child in these moments of crisis…

Children look to adults for the pathway they need to follow in relation to what's appropriate vs. inappropriate. They also look to us for how we respond in social situations. When the response or reaction doesn’t give the child clarity, that's when the toughest moments occur.

That’s why it’s imperative to learn more about why adults need to be

"confident, decisive, gentle leaders".

It can be hard to picture someone who is confident, decisive and gentle. In our society those generally don't go hand in hand together.

In the eyes of a child, an adult who is all of those is:

calm, controlled and unwavering in their responses

Gentle doesn't mean soft or submissive. It means we gently lead them on their pathway of navigating the world around them. 

When we establish this calm, confident, gentle leadership role with a child, it doesn't always mean the challenges will disappear right away. Instead, sometimes the child will begin to value and trust your response enough that they may experience emotions more intensely, more freely, more often. This is called an extinction burst. Your child begins to anxiously test your consistency.

“Can I really be sure?”

“Can I really depend on them?”

They feel supported enough by you that they feel free to explore the "uncomfortable" or "unfamiliar" emotions/feelings they've had all along.

It is in these moments when you stay by their side, and remind them you love them no matter what.

It is also in these moments that you must -

no matter how many times they try to push back against what you are asking them to do -

Stay unwavering. You show them that your love is not going anywhere, your boundary isn’t going anywhere, and you're not giving up on them.

You remain. Your love remains. Your boundary remains.

This MUST be simultaneous.

In this garden, a valuable understanding in a relationship between child and adult blooms. The very foundation on which trusting relationships are built:

Your child knows that no matter what they do, how they make you feel, no matter how intense or big the emotion, you'll always be there to guide them as their trusted leader.

For more on this topic, check out Janet Lansbury’s “Unruffled” podcast.

Stay strong; stay “Unruffled”.

-Jules & Jerica