When Love Becomes a Number: Deciphering the Quantitative Affections of Young Children
"Mommy, I love you THIS MUCH!" declares your four-year-old, arms stretched out as wide as they can reach. Hours later, perhaps after a minor disagreement over bedtime, that same child might profess, "I don’t love you anymore!" or the ever-stinging, "I love Daddy more than you." These fluctuations of feelings can be perplexing and hurtful to parents. But is there more beneath these seemingly capricious expressions of affection?
When young children begin to quantify their love or seem to bestow it selectively, it's a unique blend of their developing cognitive abilities and their emotional landscape. As parents, delving deeper into understanding these declarations can transform moments of doubt into opportunities for connection.
The Child's Growing Brain and the Need to Quantify
Children's brains are always intaking, analyzing, and synthesizing the data points they receive. They are consistently striving to make sense of the world around them. As they begin to understand numbers, it becomes a brand a brand-new tool at their disposal to express themselves - something they long for way before they have the means to express it.
Dr. Jane Nelsen points out, "For young children, the world is still an amalgamation of wonder and abstraction. When they put a number to their love, it’s their attempt to concretize a very abstract feeling.” This "love quantification" isn't about measuring love in the way adults might understand it. Instead, it's a child's way of expressing a vastness or intensity of emotion they feel inside.
The Ebb and Flow of Affection
The emotions of adults, though complex, are relatively stable. For young children, however, emotions can be unpredictable, intense, and ever-changing. Janet Lansbury reminds us that, “A child’s love, though intense, is still being understood. Their declarations, whether affectionate or defiant, are more about exploring these feelings and our reactions.”
When a child says they love one parent over another or they no longer love a parent after a disagreement, it's not a definitive measure of their affection. Instead, it's often about seeking reassurance.
"Do you love me, even when I'm mad at you?" might be the underlying question.
Sibling Rivalry: Competing for Love
The arrival of a sibling or the perception of unequal attention can thrust a child into the competitive realm of love. "If my sister has more time with Mom, does that mean Mom loves her more? Dr. Laura Markham, a clinical psychologist, asserts that "Sibling rivalry, at its core, is often less about the sibling and more about the fear of scarce love.” When something that used to be reserved uniquely for them becomes perceived as a shared resource between them and their sibling, it sends the child’s brain into a spiral of scarcity mentality.
Children, with their still developing emotional intelligence, might see love as a finite resource. If one sibling gets more, they fear there's less for them.
Guiding Young Hearts: A Parent’s Role
Here’s a sample game plan for next time you notice your child falling into love quantification:
Acknowledge Their Feelings:
Whether your child is showering you with quantitative love or is in a moment of defiance, acknowledge their feelings. Give them options for the words they could be using instead, and simultaneously show them you understand how they’re actually feeling: "I see you're feeling very loving right now!" or "It sounds like you're upset with me."
Reassure:
Especially in moments of rivalry or selective affection declarations, reassure your child of your unwavering love. "I love you, no matter what. Even when you're mad, even when you're sad."
Normalize and Educate:
Talk openly about emotions. Let your child know it’s okay to feel many things, and that love doesn’t diminish with numbers, days, emotions, and during moments spent together or apart.
Foster Individual Connections:
If sibling rivalry over attention is prominent, ensure each child has individual quality time with each parent. This dedicated time reinforces the infinite nature of your love. Do not cater to whichever child is the most clingy or demanding. Give them each specific, dedicated time, regardless of the emotions of the other. Schedule intentional connective time with each child every day.
Model Expressions of Love:
Children learn by watching. By expressing unconditional love in our daily interactions, not only with them but with other family members, we teach them the consistency and stability of love. We also teach them how to appropriately and compassionately show that we love someone - instead of quantifying, insulting, or competing.
Know that in the whirlwind of childhood emotions, where love can sometimes become a game of numbers or competition, it's essential to keep in mind the raw, unrefined nature of a child's feelings. Their heart, brimming with love, is still learning to express itself in this vast, confusing world.
Remember, the next time your child says, "I love you this much", “You love them more than me”, “I don’t love you anymore” , or “I love Daddy more than you”, they're navigating the profound seas of emotion that they feel so intensely but don’t have the ability to understand or articulate. They’re seeking your hand to guide them through.
Share with us more about your unique family dynamics, what your child says when they’re struggling to express their true feelings, or moments you want to learn more about. We will create a custom game plan just for you.