Slot Machine Brain: the scientific urge to f*ck around and find out.

Parenting is complicated, and requires adaptations and expressions to constantly be in motion. However, amid the flux of daily life, there's a particular pattern that every parent seems to encounter: each child’s insatiable need to test things out, over and over and over….

You  see your child repeating behaviors, as if expecting different outcomes, and probably think to yourself,

“We’ve already talked about this one thousand times. Why do they keep asking/doing this every day?”

To adults, if the end result of an experiment is generally the same, we tend to streamline our actions by generalizing the outcome. We don’t need to try the same thing one thousand times to see what happens. Sadly, as a parent, you are the participant in your child’s lab where they constantly experiment to try to learn about their world.

As adults, we can extrapolate results and even run experiments in our head.

Guess what? Kids can’t.

This enigmatic aspect of child development isn't just a random occurrence; it's closely linked to a psychological concept known as 'intermittent reinforcement,' a principle that also happens to underpin the most addictive behaviors in adults, including gambling.

To understand the power of intermittent reinforcement, let's look at the most successful users of this psychological concept: casinos.

Picture the ubiquitous slot machines, their sirens and flashing lights beckoning players to try just one more time. They stand as irresistible  symbols of chance, never guaranteeing success but always offering the tantalizing possibility of a win. And maybe even a big win… bigger than you can even imagine… so why not have a go?

Slot machines are by far the most played games in casinos, not despite their unpredictability, but because of it. This is intermittent reinforcement in action: the idea that behaviors followed by unpredictable and occasional rewards are the most difficult to extinguish.

Our brains are hardwired to seek patterns and make sense of the world, so when rewards (like the clinking coins from a slot machine) come at random intervals, we're driven to engage in the related behavior more often, hoping to discern a pattern or land on the jackpot.

This principle doesn't just apply to adults at casinos; it's the same mechanism that spurs children to incessantly test their parents' boundaries.

From a young age, children are natural scientists, eager to understand the cause-and-effect mechanics of their world. This curiosity extends to their social environment, especially their parents' responses to their actions. If a child experiences varying reactions from their parent for the same behavior — perhaps being frustrated for whining one day but given extra compassion or screen time to quiet down the next — the child's brain perceives these inconsistent outcomes as a pattern waiting to be decoded.

Parents might find themselves exasperated, wondering, "Why do they keep doing this?" The answer lies in the one time out of a hundred when the parent's response deviates from the norm.

That single instance of inconsistency — maybe due to parental exhaustion, distraction, or a moment of weakness — registers in the child's mind as a potential crack in the code, an anomaly to be probed.

And just like the gambler who believes the next pull of the lever could bring a windfall, the child is driven to try again, seeking the circumstances that triggered the different response.

The implications of this for parenting are profound. As caregivers, our ultimate goal is to foster a nurturing, predictable environment where our children feel secure and understood. However, without realizing it, we might be engaging in a form of psychological slot machine with our reactions, inciting our children to push repeatedly on our boundaries just to see what comes out on the other side.

This isn't a call for rigid, authoritarian parenting; humans aren't robots, and it's normal for reactions to fluctuate based on a multitude of factors. However, there's a compassionate, authoritative middle ground that depends on consistency, and really works. One that can provide children with the stability they need to thrive.

The key is predictability. Every time the result is different, children feel the need to “re-roll the dice”, because they sense the outcome could be different if the action is repeated.

When responses to behaviors are consistent, children learn which behaviors are ineffective or effective strategies for getting what they want. Over time, the negative actions lose their appeal, much like how a slot machine would lose its allure if it never paid out.

So, how can we, as parents, provide this consistency, especially in stressful situations? The first step is mindfulness, an awareness of our own tendencies and triggers. It's vital to understand that our reactions also spring from patterns, often learned in our own childhood. Unpacking these can be an enlightening, albeit challenging, journey, often requiring professional guidance and reflection.

Next, clear communication is paramount. Children thrive on understanding the 'why' behind rules. Explaining the reasons (explaining, NOT justifying!)  for certain boundaries or consequences helps them make sense of these guidelines, internalizing them as logical and fair.

Additionally, we must nurture our self-compassion. Inevitably, there will be moments of inconsistency — no parent is perfect, nor should we strive to be. When these instances occur, they can be used as teaching moments, both for ourselves and our children, showing them that it's okay to err and essential to learn from our mistakes.

Lastly, let's believe in the power of positive reinforcement. Just as negative behaviors should be met with predictable outcomes, positive actions should also receive consistent, albeit not necessarily material, rewards.

Recognition, praise, and the reinforcing of good behaviors are as crucial in shaping a child's conduct as addressing the undesirable ones.

The principle of intermittent reinforcement reveals a fundamental aspect of human psychology: our relentless pursuit to make sense of inconsistency. As parents, recognizing this drive in our children offers us a valuable lens through which to view their repeated boundary-testing. Our children aren't acting out of defiance, but rather, behaving in accordance with a deeply ingrained psychological principle. Through consistent, compassionate responses to their behaviors, we can provide our children with a stable, secure environment where they feel understood and loved, turning the 'game' of chance into a journey of stable, mutual growth.

Remember, the house always wins — so let's make sure the 'house' rules are clear, fair, and consistently applied.

All in,

Jules & Jerica